Whingeing Aussies; and KFC BBQ Blazin’ Boxmaster

WHO’LL COME A-BOTTLING MATILDA WITH ME?

Renowned as they are around the world for their inherent sense of decency and fair play, it’s not often that Australian sports teams find themselves embroiled in controversy of any kind. So the Fiver was astonished to learn that the island penal colony’s U-19 women’s football team had become involved in a mass brawl with their Chinese counterparts in an Asian Championship match in Wuhan.

Trailing 2-1 with just moments to go, the Young Matildas were incensed by what they saw as unfair dinkum after being denied a late penalty for a foul that couldn’t have been more inside the box if it was the corpse at Michael Jackson’s memorial gig. Australia’s Jessica Seaman was sent off at full-time and a bench-clearing brawl ensued, with the Wuhan crowd joining in by pelting the visitors with water bottles as they left the pitch. Whether or not Seaman was sprayed by any spectators watching all those hot, sweaty, athletic Agatha Ruiz Dela Prada Sale Uk teenagers tearing literal and metaphorical strips off each other remains unclear.

“We’ve prepared for 12 months Agatha Ruiz Dela Prada Dresses Uk to have an embarrassing sporting event take place like that in China,” fumed Young Matildas coach Alen Stajcic. “That’s not sport. We created many opportunities but some non-sporting factors decided this match. Our opponents held up the game by faking dives and injuries, which caused our loss.” Despite not having seen the incidents, but working on the knowledge that most Australians still labour under the delusion that Italy’s Fabio Grosso dived to win the penalty that helped eliminate the Sheilaroos from the last World Cup, the Fiver’s going to file Stajcic’s complaints in the overflowing filing cabinet marked: “Whingeing Aussies”.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

“I’m wary of falling into the trap where people ask if you can win it, you say you can, and then expectations rise. Of course we can win it, though” – in the length of time it takes to draw breath between sentences, Frank Lampard forgets his own warning and blunders into the trap where people ask him if England can win the World Cup, he says they can, and then expectations rise.

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DARK MATTER

There are many things the Fiver just can’t explain. Dark matter: is it invisible? Or just dark and in space, which is also dark? Why don’t bulimic people just chew the food and then spit it out without swallowing it, thereby getting all the taste of the KFC BBQ blazin’ boxmaster without actually having to be sick? And, with today’s developments in the Premier League transfer window in mind, how do you make sense of the career of Philippe Senderos, store who is today being prodded, stared-out and made to do squat thrusts by David Moyes with a view to a permanent move from Arsenal?

Confronted with the task of explaining Senderos to a Senderos novice, the temptation is to chicken out and just pretend a Senderos is a Macedonian coin, or an exciting new high-end designer drug that makes you dance slightly stiffly for hours with your jacket on and a flat pint of lager in one hand. The truth is perhaps even odder.

This is the same Senderos who was star of the tournament at the 2002 Uefa U-17 whatnots. Who advanced through the M Wenger Academy of the Performing Back-heel, who has played for Milan alongside the likes of Paolo Maldini and bowlegged Leyton Dave. And who, as far as the Fiver can tell, can’t actually run properly, but instead scuttles precariously, like a man whose legs are lashed together with twine. Who gets regularly Chinese Burned and dead-legged by any mildly irritable centre forward. Who looks continually panicked and terrified by the daily trials of doing defending. And who is now about to sign for the Premier League’s fifth-best club, presumably as their prestige summer capture.

It just goes to show: what does the Fiver really know about anything at all, least of all what makes an elite central defender apart from a gushing reference from M Wenger with long words in it and the ability to fall over a lot while looking like you’re about to cry? Again, the Fiver would never have guessed Joleon Lescott – who Senderos “will not replace” according to Bicester Village Prada Store Number a toothpick-chewing, doorway-lounging Everton “source” – was worth £30m. But that, in related developments, is what Man City are now being asked to stump up for him. So many things the Fiver can’t explain.

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FIVER LETTERS

“Just got back from some time off to hear that Arsenal might be looking to sign Patrick Vieira back. Really? That would be like the writers of EastEnders setting Phil Mitchell up with one Are Prada Nylon Bags Worth The Money of the more attractive members of the cast Authentic Prada Handbag Uk and then having him kiss her neck without there being any warning message before the show started leaving the audience a little nauseous … oh” – Tony Taylorson.

“Can I just say that it’s most praiseworthy of the Premier League to permit Christian Benítez to bear the legend ‘Chucho’ – his nickname – on the rear of his Bongo FC shirt (yesterday’s bits and bobs). It’s a pity the East Cheshire FA wasn’t so obliging when I applied for permission to bear my nickname ‘Trouser Trout’ proudly on the rear of my Griffin Eagles No9 shirt back in my heyday” – Matt Owen.

“Fair play to the Dublin gaelic football team for being ever considerate of their fans, losing by 17 points to Kerry yesterday despite being odds-on favourites and getting knocked out of the All Ireland Championship just before the Premier League season starts again. Who wouldn’t rather be watching Fulham against Aston Villa on 30 August?” – Mark Carolan.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also Tweet the Fiver now, as well as Guardian sport.

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BITS AND BOBS

Queen’s Celtic defender Gary Caldwell has revealed his team’s plan to overcome their one-goal Big Cup qualifier deficit against Dynamo Moscow tomorrow night: breaking out of a jog. “We have to hit the ground running and if we do that then we will create more problems than we did against them last week,” he said.

West Brom manager Roberto Di Matteo has completed the signings of Reuben Reid from Rotherham United and Chile defender Gonzalo Jara from Colo Colo, subject to a medical.

Scotland manager George Authentic Prada Americas Cup Sneakers Burley has summoned Pope’s O’Rangers reserve goalkeeper Neil Alexander and Aberdeen’s Jamie Langfield for next week’s World Cup qualifier defeat against Norway.

Real Madrid Agatha Ruiz Black Prada Bag Mission Impossible Dela Prada E Shop have paid up the Agatha Ruiz Dela Prada Online Store contract of defender Michel Salgado, 63, ending his 10-year spell with the club …

… but Fenerbahçe boss Christoph Daum is refusing to pay a €100,000 ransom demanded by thieves who stole his laptop from Düsseldorf airport and have threatened to make Authentic Prada Online Shop the contents – including his will and a meticulously archived and cross-referenced Fiver back catalogue – public.

And Cambridge United manager manager Martin Ling will miss his first game in charge of the club, against a Liverpool XI tonight, having resigned from the job after just nine days.

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STILL WANT MORE?

The steady drip-feed of Premier League season previews continues and today it’s the turn of Bongo FC, Blackeye Rovers and Bolton fans to accuse us of “lazy journalism” and say they “expect better from the Guardian”.

Richard Williams on Jonjo Shelvey, the scarily old-looking 17-year-old who – Fiver adopts voice of Hollywood blockbuster trailer voiceover bloke – dared to turn down Chelsea.

And you know that irritatingly successful cousin you can’t stand who your parents constantly implore you to be more like? The Fiver’s is called the Spin.

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CUTTING IT FINE, V-ERY FINE